Living the family life

    This season came painful this year. I have cried more this season than I have in a long time. 2020 hit especially hard. This year hurt more than anything I’ve known. This season i have constantly internally screamed while laughing, internally cried while smiling and buried myself in conversation when all I wanted was to be alone especially recently. This season I felt the what if’s harder than normal and the “I should be” worse than ever. If youve ever loss anyone than you would know exactly where I’m coming from.     To help, I’ve sat and talked to them when I missed them more that moment. So with the holiday season now here and everyone writing letters so their loved ones, here is mine to those who didn’t get to see this season with us.     ‘Hey you. I miss you. Is it beautiful where you are? I know you know I think of you all the time. I constantly find myself wondering where you would be or what you would be doing. I ask myself all the time what it ...

  Have you ever felt the life drain from your body but heart still beating? Have you ever screamed so loud in desperation that the whole world could have heard you? Have you ever stopped breathing to make the pain stop for just a moment? Maybe, if I just wake up, this nightmare will be gone?....   I have. I’ve asked myself every question under the sun since the day I lost my baby. Before you tell me, I have heard it all so please spare me “Now wasn’t the time.” or “At least you weren’t further along.” or even “You have enough kids as is.”  I came into this new year miscarrying my child. No I don’t want sympathy, I want my baby. I want to be watching my belly grow,  the late night cravings, the kicking match at 3AM, the exhaustion, the back pain.   On December 29th my excitement began crashing around me. I began miscarrying. I knew, I tried so hard to try and be positive but I knew. On December 31st I rolled out of bed at 5AM and something felt very wrong. Afte...