I became 1 in 4
Have you ever felt the life drain from your body but heart still beating? Have you ever screamed so loud in desperation that the whole world could have heard you? Have you ever stopped breathing to make the pain stop for just a moment? Maybe, if I just wake up, this nightmare will be gone?....
I have. I’ve asked myself every question under the sun since the day I lost my baby. Before you tell me, I have heard it all so please spare me “Now wasn’t the time.” or “At least you weren’t further along.” or even “You have enough kids as is.” I came into this new year miscarrying my child. No I don’t want sympathy, I want my baby. I want to be watching my belly grow, the late night cravings, the kicking match at 3AM, the exhaustion, the back pain.
On December 29th my excitement began crashing around me. I began miscarrying. I knew, I tried so hard to try and be positive but I knew. On December 31st I rolled out of bed at 5AM and something felt very wrong. After taking a shower, it got worse. I woke up my husband and he told me to go and get seen. I spent what felt to be an eternity in that triage room. I will never forget the look on that ER doctor’s face when she told me “Sweetheart, you’re either much earlier in your pregnancy than expected or you are having a miscarriage. By the looks of your ultrasound, we can’t fully determine, but we believe you’re miscarrying.” It took every ounce of me to sit on that bed and not scream. Coming home was harder. My girls rushed to me and asked if the baby and I were alright. I lied and said yes. I didn’t want to tell them till I had seen my doctor that Friday.
January 2nd, I get up and go about my day. I sit for a moment that afternoon and immediately knew something was not right. I have never in my life cried as hard as I did that day. I knew what had just happened, how could I not. My sister in law and close family friend came over as fast as they could. Even in a room with people, I felt so incredibly alone it was almost suffocating. The next morning, January 3rd, I heard those words. “I’m sorry Mrs Vise but we didn’t see the baby.” I had already known because I had seen my baby the day before. The next several days were fuzzy. They all ran together one on top of the other almost like time was playing a cruel game. To be honest, I don’t remember them. All I could do is ask why after 3 healthy pregnancies, did I have to lose my 4th?
This week we would have been announcing it to everyone that we were having a baby but instead I sit here pouring my heart out into these words. I made the decision to tell you all due to no one should have to fight battles alone. If I wouldn’t have known a few people I am close to have experienced the same then I would have felt more alone. Miscarriage affects 1 in 4 women. Thats high when you actually look at it. This is a battle no woman should have to fight alone especially when it feels like a nightmare you can’t wake up from.
**Please do not take any part of this as me being rude, I’m only venting and sharing my story. **
I have. I’ve asked myself every question under the sun since the day I lost my baby. Before you tell me, I have heard it all so please spare me “Now wasn’t the time.” or “At least you weren’t further along.” or even “You have enough kids as is.” I came into this new year miscarrying my child. No I don’t want sympathy, I want my baby. I want to be watching my belly grow, the late night cravings, the kicking match at 3AM, the exhaustion, the back pain.
On December 29th my excitement began crashing around me. I began miscarrying. I knew, I tried so hard to try and be positive but I knew. On December 31st I rolled out of bed at 5AM and something felt very wrong. After taking a shower, it got worse. I woke up my husband and he told me to go and get seen. I spent what felt to be an eternity in that triage room. I will never forget the look on that ER doctor’s face when she told me “Sweetheart, you’re either much earlier in your pregnancy than expected or you are having a miscarriage. By the looks of your ultrasound, we can’t fully determine, but we believe you’re miscarrying.” It took every ounce of me to sit on that bed and not scream. Coming home was harder. My girls rushed to me and asked if the baby and I were alright. I lied and said yes. I didn’t want to tell them till I had seen my doctor that Friday.
January 2nd, I get up and go about my day. I sit for a moment that afternoon and immediately knew something was not right. I have never in my life cried as hard as I did that day. I knew what had just happened, how could I not. My sister in law and close family friend came over as fast as they could. Even in a room with people, I felt so incredibly alone it was almost suffocating. The next morning, January 3rd, I heard those words. “I’m sorry Mrs Vise but we didn’t see the baby.” I had already known because I had seen my baby the day before. The next several days were fuzzy. They all ran together one on top of the other almost like time was playing a cruel game. To be honest, I don’t remember them. All I could do is ask why after 3 healthy pregnancies, did I have to lose my 4th?
This week we would have been announcing it to everyone that we were having a baby but instead I sit here pouring my heart out into these words. I made the decision to tell you all due to no one should have to fight battles alone. If I wouldn’t have known a few people I am close to have experienced the same then I would have felt more alone. Miscarriage affects 1 in 4 women. Thats high when you actually look at it. This is a battle no woman should have to fight alone especially when it feels like a nightmare you can’t wake up from.
**Please do not take any part of this as me being rude, I’m only venting and sharing my story. **
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