Living the family life

  Have you ever felt the life drain from your body but heart still beating? Have you ever screamed so loud in desperation that the whole world could have heard you? Have you ever stopped breathing to make the pain stop for just a moment? Maybe, if I just wake up, this nightmare will be gone?....   I have. I’ve asked myself every question under the sun since the day I lost my baby. Before you tell me, I have heard it all so please spare me “Now wasn’t the time.” or “At least you weren’t further along.” or even “You have enough kids as is.”  I came into this new year miscarrying my child. No I don’t want sympathy, I want my baby. I want to be watching my belly grow,  the late night cravings, the kicking match at 3AM, the exhaustion, the back pain.   On December 29th my excitement began crashing around me. I began miscarrying. I knew, I tried so hard to try and be positive but I knew. On December 31st I rolled out of bed at 5AM and something felt very wrong. Afte...

  When you were an infant, I would look around at all the house work then look at you sleeping in my arms and I would think “5 more minutes and I’ll get up”. I would sit and stare at you. It’s hard to believe that I carried you for nine months and now you’re here. I dreamed of these 5 minutes for a very long time...   You are now a toddler, you beg me for 5 more minutes so you don’t have to go to bed or help pick up toys. You either continue to play or come cuddle with me knowing that I would give you more than those 5 minutes. With housework and children, I often lose track of time.    When you are a young child whom will start school, you’ll tell me how you asked the teacher for 5 more minutes to play today. You‘ll tell me all about your day with so much enthusiasm that you make yourself excited for tomorrow. I’ll laugh and listen at all the things my baby did today just to listen to you talk. These are the times I will hold dear.   When you become a te...

         I didn’t ask for this, I didn’t ask to think this way or feel this way. Believe me when I say I don’t want to be this way. I don’t want to feel sad or anxious, because this is not who I am. I can’t help it, it just happens, sometimes for no reason at all. For me it’s not the kind where I want to lay around all day. I still get up to deal with everything the day has. I don’t want to be shut away from others, I dont want to be secluded, my depression doesn’t always work that way. Though I also don’t want anyone to see me like this. Sometimes I just need a significant change of scenery. Sometimes I need a chance to get away from the suffocation of every day life. Please understand, not all depression makes you push people away. Not all depression makes you seclude yourself. Depression is different for everyone. Nobody wants to be in this deep dark hole that is depression. We do fight, we just don’t always win. Sometimes it takes over like a black sheet...

To my friends who protect and serve    To my friends who grew up to be firefighters, EMTs, EMS, officers both police and correctional, and military.   As I sit here on my porch this morning in this city, I watch several ambulances, fire trucks, and police cars go by. For me this is normal to see them pass multiple times daily. I am reminded constantly that they are everywhere and that I’m safe. If you know me personally and know where I live then you would know that I don’t always feel safe. It’s sometimes hard to feel safe in almost downtown of a major city. Yet when things go wrong, your brothers and sisters are not to far behind to protect, serve and rescue. For that I want to say thank you.   I pray for you and your families daily. I pray for your safety and health. I pray for your mental health because only God knows what you’re battling. I pray for your families. I know they’re proud of you, as am I. I grew up with many of you and to see you serving your c...

   They say it gets easier as the kids get older. The tantrums, fussing, whining, “mommy this” and “mommy that”, and messes. They tell you that you’ll get it. I’ve even heard “it takes time”.   Please stop. Stop saying it gets easier. I understand that but I’m struggling now. My mental health is struggling now. As mothers we’re told not to blink because it goes by fast yet you also say “it gets easier” so which is it? One sounds like I should live in the moment and the other sounds like I am wanting time to go faster so it gets easier. Not how it sounds to you? Let me try another approach.   You’re listening to your toddlers screaming, home is a mess despite your efforts to clean it for the hundredth time this week, dinner didn’t go as planned, you clean up dinner and kids, and finally get the kids off to bed. You finally go to bed after finishing laundry and not even a few hours later you wake up to a crying child whom had an accident in bed. You get up to chan...

Forgive me as I sit here to take a minute. Forgive me as I lock myself in the kitchen to eat lukewarm food that I have reheated for the third time today. Forgive me as I breakdown while the kids play in their room. I just need a moment… Forgive me because I vent about my “perfect” stay at home life. Forgive me as I complain about doing something you dream to do. Forgive me as I outburst at you that you have no idea what this life is like. Truth is...no one told me either. Children, forgive me as I get angry sometimes. Forgive me as I only want a moment to myself at times. Forgive me as I might seem to get onto or correct you often but I only want the best for you. Forgive me...I’m trying my hardest for you. Forgive me for being anxious all the time, no one told me my anxiety would get worse after having children. Forgive me as I cry, at times I just get so overwhelmed and feel lost. Forgive me when I get depressed, I can’t always fight it. Forgive me when I worry to much, I wo...