Anxiety, the silent fight

  Have you ever felt so alone in a room full of people, feeling like if you were to scream that no one would hear you? Have you ever gotten so lost in your thoughts that you felt as if you were drowning and struggle to dig yourself out? Have you ever worried about many things at once and most of those worries had a 1 in a 100,000 chance of happening? Yeah, that's my axieties.
  Everyone's anxiety battles are different. Everyone fights them differently. Mine don't make me feel like I don't want to get up, mine make me feel like I don't want to sleep. They will keep me up late worrying about why is my child coughing, what is that noise outside(I live in a major port city), will my children have good friends, will they have health issues like mine, will my husband and I get to see them grow and get married. These might sound like normal things to you but in my head they instantly become "worst case scenario." They build off other negative thoughts and soon I am not wanting to sleep because I'm to scared to or I can't shut my brain off.
  I understand that I can not control the future but I try to be prepared for everything, even if it's not likely to happen. I'm the person that I desperately want to have it all together. I am also the person that WAY over analyzes everything and I often think "I should have done this different or that different." Yes, I am aware that I can not change the past nor can I control the future, yet that doesn't stop my brain from the anxieties getting so loud that I can't hear anything else.
  I am a positive person. I am told I radiate kindness and compassion. I love to help others and to be kind. The world sees the happy, positive me but they don't see my anxiety. They don't see that I get anxious in a crowded isle in Walmart if there's to many people. They don't see that I sit and cry some nights because my thoughts are to loud. They don't see the battles I fight because I refuse to let the world see me that way. I choose to fight my demons alone but I refuse to let others fight theirs alone. Why? I know how bad I struggle and know that no one should ever feel alone in a room full of people.

Comments

  1. DevinSeptember 10, 2018 at 11:11 PM

    Thank you for sharing this. You described it perfectly. You can't just shut it off.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

To those who protect and serve

To my friends who protect and serve    To my friends who grew up to be firefighters, EMTs, EMS, officers both police and correctional, and military.   As I sit here on my porch this morning in this city, I watch several ambulances, fire trucks, and police cars go by. For me this is normal to see them pass multiple times daily. I am reminded constantly that they are everywhere and that I’m safe. If you know me personally and know where I live then you would know that I don’t always feel safe. It’s sometimes hard to feel safe in almost downtown of a major city. Yet when things go wrong, your brothers and sisters are not to far behind to protect, serve and rescue. For that I want to say thank you.   I pray for you and your families daily. I pray for your safety and health. I pray for your mental health because only God knows what you’re battling. I pray for your families. I know they’re proud of you, as am I. I grew up with many of you and to see you serving your c...
Read more

This isn’t me

Image
         I didn’t ask for this, I didn’t ask to think this way or feel this way. Believe me when I say I don’t want to be this way. I don’t want to feel sad or anxious, because this is not who I am. I can’t help it, it just happens, sometimes for no reason at all. For me it’s not the kind where I want to lay around all day. I still get up to deal with everything the day has. I don’t want to be shut away from others, I dont want to be secluded, my depression doesn’t always work that way. Though I also don’t want anyone to see me like this. Sometimes I just need a significant change of scenery. Sometimes I need a chance to get away from the suffocation of every day life. Please understand, not all depression makes you push people away. Not all depression makes you seclude yourself. Depression is different for everyone. Nobody wants to be in this deep dark hole that is depression. We do fight, we just don’t always win. Sometimes it takes over like a black sheet...
Read more

Life's little moments

Image
   They say we are only given one life so we need to give it our best shot. As parents, we try to give our children the best life we possibly can even though that's not always the easiest thing to do. There are moments where we sit back and question "Are we doing the right thing", "Is this the right decision for my family", "What could I do differently to make their life better", "Are we teaching them right", "what are they going to be like when they grew up?" All these questions parents ask themselves everyday trying to do the best for their family. There many times where I sit back and wonder if I'm doing right by my children.   There's little moments in life where you know that your children are going to be ok. Where you look at them and think I'm doing the best I can and that's okay. I find myself looking at my kids all the time praying that I can give them the life that they deserve and I pray that they will a...
Read more